Happiness and contentment are so relative to circumstance and perception. I was looking through my journal from a year ago. For all of 2006, I was in gut wrenching anguish. Even now I mourn for that heart that fractured under the weight of unexplainable injustice (my perception it is true).
The situation in my corner of the world paled in comparison to people losing family to a war or a hurricane. But it is was no less real or painful.
Today my life is brighter and lighter. I was given a grace; a new, challenging, and rewarding job. The wound in my heart did respond to the healer named time. I am better.
It is a well known fact that we find truth through suffering. So now I reflect and try to find the lessons learned, the truths from that difficult time. My personal process mirrors generations of wisdom caught not taught . So why can't I just read and learn from someone else's experience? Oh, stubborn woman.
I found strengths I never knew I had and I used them. The challenge was to be strong and still be true to who I was. I think I was able to be strong because I did know who I was. But, I floundered for a brief time. I allowed someone else to define me and I doubted myself. And then I rose from those ashes with a determination that surprised me. I knew that if I allowed myself to wallow I was handing my power over to someone else.
I learned that sometimes all you have is breath. So I would inhale deeply and count my breathing. I forced myself to focus on air coming in and going out. Thank you, lungs.
I learned that family and friends were on my side and that I could cry on their collective shoulders. Their goodness and their love soothed me like hot sweet tea in a delicate China cup with the roses on it. I was not alone. Thank you loved ones...you know who you are.
I learned that I was in peril and now I am safe, by God's grace, amazing! Prayers were lifted up and He answered. Amen.
I learned that fear and depression are valid emotions. It is okay to roll them around in my palm. It is okay to smell them, taste the tears, and rest in the grief process. I accepted their season because it was just that, a season. The season passed. Ahhh.
After a couple months, in the throws of winter, I learned that on my way out of that desperate dark tunnel I had to allow myself to be vulnerable. And this was the harder lesson...I still struggle with it. I got caught in life's gridlock and there were no detours. If I hadn't filled the car with fuel it could have been even uglier. When you are sitting in your car on the road along with alot of other people sitting in their cars, you are alone together. You wait and hope. You want to be home, you beat on the steering wheel and you wait some more.
2006 was a messy time. I was an emotional wreck. When it starts to make sense I will tell the tale in detail. For now I can assure you that we do survive, life moves on to another sadness, a new trial another lesson to learn. The key is not what we go through but how.